Reciprocation of Love

I recently started dating this guy , he asked me out to dinner one night and we started going out thereafter . Things were good until things started changing in a really short period of time ..the initial period which is suppose to be overwhelmingly dopamine laden was actually beginning to feel insipid.


I have this nagging feeling time and again that i can never make relationships last . In all my relationships except one i have not known what is a reciprocation . And in that one in which the guy did fall for me i felt nothing for him.

He is my frame of reference for understanding how you can feel so many things for a person but they might feel nothing for you. I used to have trouble understanding this and i would take it really personally because i failed to grasp this detail. I still take it rather personally that i am usually more hung up on someone i like or am going out with . i guess its a personality trait ; that i have for a long time in my life denied .

It is hilarious when you look at it from the outside how i can get so attached to men i date ...i mostly only date men who i am really interested in ......but mind you i am so far from clingy but in my mind each time i just know wehre i am headed. Just when i am so totally sure of my indispensability in my boy friend’s life i get dumped..well not verbally but surely in action. And then my long drawn procedure to get over the person . Those heartaches ..like i mean physical heartaches. Like this guy i was dating recently told me how he will be buying a dress for his ex-girl friend for her bday inspite of the ex factor. And i was like man!! What a lucky girl!! There could be so many layers to a relationship like that , that it will render me luckier anyday any minute but this my first reaction to something like that ....“why me” is the voice of reason.
So much so that there are moments where a large part of me now believes that this aspect of my life is never going to work out . And then a counter argument surfaces in my head i.e. if all these men i have been with were totally into me ,would i really still be with them .The answer is no.